"How to Be A Canadian" - Quiz

If you've never read "How to Be a Canadian" by Will Ferguson and Ian Ferguson, well now's the time. It's hilarious...and here's the quiz to prove it!

If you hear the name "Elvis" and immediately think of figure skating, give yourself 1 point.

If you hear the name "Marilyn" and immeediately think of swimming Lake Ontario: 5 points.

If you hear the name "Preston" and immediately think of Lee "pressed-on" nails: subract 6 points.

If you thought Degrassi Junior High was a gripping true-life docu-drama: 2 points.

If you have a "Bring Back Degrassi" website: subract 2 points.

But if it's an "ironic" website, that's okay. Add 3 points.

If you think your friends sitting aoround your basement eating Doritos would make an excellent episode of The Lofters: minus 2 points. (I'm not sure what The Lofters are...can someone enlighten me?)

If you think Snow Job is way cooler than Mardi Gras: add 1 point.

If you have ever, ever, ever appeared on Speaker's Corner for any reason whatsoever, give yourself a slap in the face. From all of us.

Unless you got your own TV seris out of it (like the Deveil's Advocates). In that case, add 1 point.

If you ever went to a rave on board a chartered yellow schoolbus: deduct 1 point.

If you wear an "Anarchy Now!" T-shirt, but get made when guests come over and don't use the coasters: 1 point.

If you think the cover of Naomi Klein's book No Logo woud make an excellent logo: 2 points.

If you own a "Canadian Girls Kick Ass" T-shirt: 1 point.

Even though you, yourself, would never kick ass: 2 points.

If you were at the Quebec City "Clash of the Summits," add 10 points.

If you were there selling hot dogs, deduct 20 points.

If they were special "No Logo Anarchy Now!" hot dogs, your credintials are restored. Give yourself a hand.

If you still don't know what the capital of New Brunswick is, give yourself 10 points.

If you have been to Niagara Falls: 1 point.

In a barrel: 100 points.

If you've ever had a Nanaimo bar. In a bar. In Nanaimo: give yourself 2 points.

If you can ask the operator to look up a number in Dildo, Newfoundland, without feeling any embarrassment, give yourself 1 point.

If you can stop for gas in Climax, Saskatchewan, and not make any wisecracks: 3 points.

If you can say "Regina" without giggling, give yourself 12 points.

If you've ever posed for a picture beside a Large Object Next to a Highway, give yourself 1 point.

If you've ever posed for a picture beside a provincial boundary sign, give yourself 3 points.

If you've ever posed for a picture with professional curler Hec Gervais, giver yourself 500 million points.

If you mistakenly thought he was the statute of Jumbo the Elephant in St. Thomas, Ontario, deduct 9 points.

If you have ever curled, give yourself 1 point.

If you were the skip, give yourself 2 points.

If you can't remember if you curled or not, because of how drunk you were: 50 points.

If you remember where you were when the Jays won the World Series: 1 point.

If you remember where you were the day Ben got caught: 1 point.

If you remember where you were the day Wayne was traded: 1 point.

If you didn't need last names on those to know who we were talking about: 3 points.

If you remember where you were when Baltimore won the Grey Cup: duduct 12 points.

If you remember (vividly) what you were doing the day Bob Homme died: 2 points.

If you knew that Bob Homme was the Friendly Giant: 6 points.

If you cried, even though you hadn't watched his show since you were six years old: 12 points.

If you remember where you were the day Trudeau died: 1 point.

If you remember where you were the day Stan Rogers died: 2 points.

If you know almost all the words to "Barrett's Privateers" but you don't know the words to the national anthem: 10 points.

If you still know all the words to the Molson "I am Canadian" rant: minus 20 points.

If you're glad they finally droe that schtick into the ground : 1 point.

(Bonus question for Boomers) If you think the Canadian gull-winger Bricklin sports car was actually kind of cool: 1 points.

Even though you drive a Dodge Neon: 1 point.

Which you are proud to own, since most of it was manufactured in Ontario: 10 points.

If you understand the Auto Pact: 5 points.

No, you don't.: minus 6 points.

If you understand the offside rule in hockey: 10 points.
(Really? Can you explain it to us? Becuase we've never figured the damn thing out.)

If you don't understand the economy: 1 point.

But you invest anyway: subtract 3 points.

Because you trust your broker: subtract an additional 8 points, plus most of your life savings.

If you complain about rush hour: 5 points.

Even though you live in Victoria: 10 points.

And actually walk to work: 15 points.

If you have never made love in a canoe: 1 point.

If you wouldn't even know how to begin to do that: 3 points.

In fact, you think it's kind of a stupid and dangerous idea: 6 points.

I mean, really, the government should put up a warning label about that sort of thing, right? 1 point.

And it's not the least bit erotic: 9 points.

I mean, where would you put your feet? 12 points.

And does wearing water wings constitue "safe sex"? 2 points.

If you have actually paddled a canoe: 1 point.

If it was at summer camp: 3 points.

In the Adirondacks: deduct 20 points.

If you think Don McKellar is a better directior than Arom Egoyan: 1 point.

But neither of them could hold a candle to Norman Jewison: 2 points.

Or Ivan Reitman: deduct 37 points. (What, are you nuts or something?)

If you think Jim Carrey is funnier than Mike Myers: 1 points.

But both orf them are funnier than Tom Green: 2 points.

If you have no idea who Tom Green is: dudct 3 points, and congratulations on your new poision as head of talent develpment at the CBC.

If, whenever you think about the complicated and sometimes difficult relationship you had with your father, you wonder if the problems you had relating to each other had to do with the fact that you were constantly comaparing him to the famous, fictional father figures that Canadian actors seem to specialize in: 1 point.

Like Lorne Greene in Bonanza: 1 point.

Or Christopher Plummer in The Sound of Music: 2 points.

Or Lorne Greene in Battlestar Galactica: 3 points.

Which you thought was a better show than Lost in Space: 1 point.

If you think Space 1999, a British science fiction serise that featured Canadian actor Barry Morse for the first season, was superior to The Starlost, a Canadian science fiction series that starred Keir Dullea and lasted for one season: 1 point.

If you haven't seen either of those shows, but you do remember Keir Dullea from his perfomance in that classic Canadian movie Leopard in the Snow: 50 points.

Which, you may recall, was the worst film ever made: one point.

And which, we just found out, is available on video: 10 points.

Not that we've ever been able to find it: minus 5 points.

If you refuse to believe William Shatner wears a hairpiece: 1 point.

If you refuse to believe Rich Little wears a hairpiece: 2 points.

If you refuse to believe Jeffrey Simpson wears a hairpiece: What, are you blind? Deduct 7 points.

If you think Ken Kostick does whear a hairpiece: 5 points.

If you hace been a to a real sugar shack and eaten real 100?% maple syrup fresh from the tree: 10 points.

If it was in Miane: deduct 30 points.

But you secretly precer the tast of Aunt Jemima: add 2 points.



If this makes you feel guilty: 6 points.

If you have ever eaten a beaver tail: 3 points.

Not a sugared pastry from Ottawa, but an actual beaver's tail: 10 points.

If you recently caught a glimpse of the Norther Lights: 1 point.

If you immediately and inexplicable remembered some lines from a Robert Service poem: 3 points.

Which freaked you out, since you're pretty sure that you've never actually read any Robert Service: 6 points.

If you began to ponder the idea of the collective unconscious: 12 points.

If you think Marshall McLuhan came up with that theory: 1 points.

Themn you remember he didn't: deduct 3 points.

If you start to think about other stuff you might know that you didn't think you knew-and it turns out you can remember hugs churcks of W.O. Mitchell: 1 point.

Wll, hell, you probably studied him in school: 2 points.

If you can quote passages from books by Robertson Davies, Hugh Garner or Margaret Laurence: deduct 10 points. What are you, some kind of freak?

If you hop into your new PT Cruiser-built in Detroit, though the seat covers are made right here-and stop at a Starbucks for a latte, and then pick up the latest issue of Peaple from your corner 7-Eleven, rent American President, American Beauty and American History at your local Blockbuster, go aome and watch them on your cozy Ikea Sklojebeldt sofa, and, without any irony at all, feel sort of proud to be Canadian: 1 poin

If this also makes you feel guilty: 6 points.

But you get over it: 9 points.

Because you bought this book: 50 points.

Rating Your Score
90 points or more: Wow, you're either incredibly knowledgeable or you cheater. Either way, you're scaring us.

Between 60 and 90: You teach Canadian history at a community college or university and you read this book in the misaken belief it might help you prepare a class plan. If won't. Sorry.

Between 30 and 60: Right in the middle. Good for you. Your're not only a Candian, you're confused and conflicted about what that even means. Welcome to the club.

Between 10 and 30 points: Technically, you may be a Canadian, but only in the way that someone like Ezra Levant is Canadian. Good luk with your green card application; we're not going to miss you.

Less than 10 points: Not only are you NOT Canadian, you didn't even flip though the rest of this book. You guessed at the answers. Heck , you probably found this book in the seat pocket of a transatlatic flight. Tch.

Zero points: So, you could't even be bothered to do the damn quiz. To much effort, eh? You just skipped to the end. Talk about slack. Talk about lazy. Talk about Canadian! Congratulations. You are now one of us.

My score: 47. A typical Canadian. Don't I feel special!

Okay, okay. I know this was long...try typing it!

Bye!!